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I am a high school .jr who is making a short film. planning on entering into multiple short films. any chance everyone can look over the script and tell me what I can change? the story, lines, plot development, character development, or anything that benefits the story. thank you so much Where to?- Written by Sam Petty INT. Graduation party - Noon Brent is having his graduation party. All his friends and family are there. The camera moves through the house seeing everyone talking and having a good time. Stops on Brent and his parents talking in the kitchen. Dad “Ok son, your mother and I have been watching how hard you have worked this semester..” Mom “And you didn't get in any trouble, so we thought you should deserve a reward” Brent “Oh come on you know you don't have to. You already threw me this grad party! I mean what else could I need?” Dad “ Well, you will be going off to college so..” Brent “Not until next year. I'm taking a year off remember??” Dad “ Yes I know” Mom pulls a bag from behind her back all excited. A smile forms on both of there faces. Mom “And what better way to take a year off than..” Brent opens the bag and sees a car key Brent “A new car!? Mom “Well, not new. It's used but it will get you where you need to go” Brent Gives a big bear hug to both of his parents Brent “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. ( Gets interrupted by mom ) Mom you`re welcome, honey. Why don't you go tell April? I am sure she would love to hear the news. Brent “Good idea” ( runs off to find her) YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!! Brent runs through the crowds of people and finally finds April talking to a girl. They make eyes contact and he runs up and hugs her Brent “ OMG babe I have amazing news! April “ So do I!” Brent “I just got a car!” April “I just got accepted into Brown! Wait you got a car that's awesome! Brent “You got into brown oh my god babe that's incredible ( gives her a hug ) that's your dream school! April I know! I'm so excited to start this fall! But I have so much to do. Brent “Wait. this fall? I thought that we were taking a year off together? April I know I`m sorry. But it's my dream School! Its a once and a lifetime opportunity. You understand right? Brent What about our plan? Spending a year together.. April “We can spend the summer together! And ill come home and visit all the time.” Brent Ya I guess Brent is clearly sad. April feels horrible and has a great plan to make him happy. April “ Brent, I have a great idea that will make it up to you. But I have to go plan it out. I'll call you tonight. April runs out the door Brent “Um ok? Bye! Fade to black Int. Brents room- night Brent is in his room listening to music in his bed with headphones on. His phone rings and he stops the music. Brent (on the phone) “Hey this is brent” April (on the phone) “Brent! It's me April” Brent (on the phone) “ Where did you go earlier? You ruined the plan and ran out of the party.” April (on the phone) “I know I know I know I`m so so sorry about that. I had to get planning Brent (on the phone) “Planning? Planning what? April (on the phone) “Our trip! You did want to spend the year together right? Doing a whole bunch of things? Why not do all those things this summer? Pack a year's worth of fun dates into one summer before I leave! I already have it all planned out! Brent (on the phone) “that sounds..actually like a really good idea! When are we leaving? April (on the phone) “You sound surprised. We leave tomorrow morning. It's ok I already called your mom and dad. Get a bag packed. And come pick me up tomorrow at 8. Don't be late! Pack extra socks, sunscreen, and a phone cord… ok bye ( hangs up phone ) Brent “ Um. ( looks at clock ) I need to get packing… Fade to black. Int. aerial shot of April's driveway. 8 am Brents car is backed into her driveway and trunk open. April is saying a list of things they packed in a list April “ blankets?” Brent “Check” April “Tent?” Brent “Check” April “Camera?” Brent “Check” The camera turns to the ground view of Brent loading the trunk and April walking towards him. April “Packed your bag? Brent “ Yes! Everything is packed! Come on just get in the car already!” April ( stepping into a car with a map ) I'm being prepared! We have a long way to go Brent We do? You still haven't told me where we are going. April Ya, its surprise trip. You drive. I'll tell you the way Brent and April look at each other with a smile. Brent Ok so where to? The camera goes into an extreme wide shot of a car pulling out of the driveway and driving down the road. Music plays and the camera switches to a drone shot of car driving. Shots of brent and April are being shown of them laughing and talking and playing in the car. Scenes go buy of brent and April stopping at places and having fun. Places include the beach, the snow, a picnic, star gazing, nature walking, eating at restaurants, getting snowcones, going to a concert, a campfire guitar session, and fireworks. Ext. fade to black Int, right before dawn. April is sleeping and the car is shaking a lot. You hear the car park. Brent. “Babe.. babe wake up” April “What? Aw, what time is it? where are we? Brent “Come on” April staggers out of the car to see 2 chairs set out for her and brent overlooking the sunrise. April “ wait what is this? I didn't plan this..” Brent “I know. I did. They both sit down and look out into the distance Brent “I did this because. I'm sorry I overreacted about you leaving. To be honest I'm so happy for you I just don't know what I`m going to do while you are gone. I will miss you so much. I'm not even ready to go to college. I'm sure you`re going to have a great time. April “Wow, I had no idea I meant that much to you. Thank you. I'll call you every night. “ Brent grabs April's hand and lays his head on hers. Brent “I love you. you goofball’ A short pause April “I love you more” They look at each other for a moment April “ So? Where to next? Fade to black Credits roll with pictures of them at all the spots they went to
Hi, This was the latest short film I've been dp'ing. /for some info the vimeo title is the module title we had to upload under as for university [separate version will be uploaded], due to time constraints on the module the credits are very rushed [unreadable], fixed in the version soon to be uploaded. But importantly, i would love feedback on the cinematography in this, i worked on it as director of photography, i would love any feedback both positive and negative. https://vimeo.com/55483003 THank you. Mark McCann