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"Get Away" short screenplay


elvworks

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I figured "Off Topic" could be a good place for this post.

 

I invite you to read my short screenplay (5 pages) and let me know what you think. If you really like it, and want to film it, then go for it. I would just like a credit and copy.

 

Here is the logline:

 

'Everyone has their limit before they take matters into their own hands.'

 

Here is the summary:

 

This is a comedy short screenplay entitled 'Get Away,' about a quirky kid who's waiting outside the bank for his mother when suddenly a bank robber gets in his car wearing a ski mask and orders him to drive.

 

The short can be viewed as a .pdf file at this address:

 

http://www.geocities.com/fieryphoenixe/getaway.pdf

 

I look forward to hearing your comments. :D

 

 

 

 

All the best, and thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Rick

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I figured "Off Topic" could be a good place for this post.

 

I invite you to read my short screenplay (5 pages) and let me know what you think. If you really like it, and want to film it, then go for it. I would just like a credit and copy.

 

Here is the logline:

 

'Everyone has their limit before they take matters into their own hands.'

 

Here is the summary:

 

This is a comedy short screenplay entitled 'Get Away,' about a quirky kid who's waiting outside the bank for his mother when suddenly a bank robber gets in his car wearing a ski mask and orders him to drive.

 

The short can be viewed as a .pdf file at this address:

 

http://www.geocities.com/fieryphoenixe/getaway.pdf

 

I look forward to hearing your comments. :D

All the best, and thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Rick

 

Rick it started with a few little cliches but then turned into a little gem. Great little short well worth turning into a film.. Loved the way it turns around (Wont spoil the ending) :)

 

Have you got any more stuff like this?

:D

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Hi Mark,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read it and for your enthusiastic words, means alot.

 

In reply to your question, this is the only short I have written. I never thought I would write a short but took a stab at it. I normally concentrate on bigger stuff, but when you're trying to break into the biz, you do what you have to. But I admit, this was really fun.

 

 

 

 

 

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks again, :D

Rick

Edited by elvworks
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Rick - good stuff. take what comments you like, discard the rest.

 

-Try to be more evocative in an economical kind of way...

 

A diesel Gremlin with a 'My Kid is an Honors Student' bumper sticker pulls up to the bank

 

-Intro the characters with more individuality:

 

A KID with matted blonde hair and a learners permit puts the car into park and turns off the engine. He does it by the book. His PASSENGER, a blonde woman in her forties, a form fitting blouse, freshens her lipstick in the visor mirror.

 

-the dialogue could crackle more...

 

PASSENGER

No loud music while I'm inside, Brat.

 

BRAT

Look, there's an ATM. the pin is our phone number, gimme the card, I can even-

 

PASSENGER

I said no-

 

etc. etc. etc.

 

- withdrawal is one word unless you're trying to capture a patois? which I wouldn't recommend.

 

- drop the wrylies (annoyed). use them sparingly if at all. let the dialogue convey the emotion.

 

- now when the burly man gets in, you have the opportunity for more drama, b/c the driver only has a learner's permit. let's introduce it earlier for drama, rather than later for a laugh.

 

BLACK MASK

Drive!

 

Brat points to learner's permit on dashboard.

 

BLACK MASK

DRIVE!

 

BRAT

It's not legal.

 

Black Mask reaches across and keys the ignition - VROOM -

 

BLACK MASK

Drive or die!

 

Brat adjusts mirrors - a shrill alarm sounds from the bank - belts himself in - starts the car -security guards are gesturing to the car - gestures to other seatbelt and Black Mask pulls it across his body - checks his blind spot...

 

- we're just building tension from the robbery... force yourself to be more descriptive than 'slowly pulls away.' He could possibly his mom in the rearview mirror b/c he's checking his mirrors like they teach you in Driver's Ed?

 

The Robber appears mean and looks around at his surroundings,

still wearing his mask. Brat is driving nervously, weaving

side to side.

 

- this is a great paragraph to dissect... what does 'appears mean' actually mean? show don't tell. looks at his surroundings... very plain writing. Driving nervously? skip the adverbs always, go for interesting verbs, like the one you chose weaving. Wouldn't it be also interesting if he drove perfectly?

BLACK MASK

You're a good bag man.

 

BRAT

Thanks. my mom says I'm a bad driver.

 

BLACK MASK

Your mom is wrong.

 

- what if they were buddies? an uneasy friendship?

 

-dialogue like that is more interesting to me than the standard (expected) dialogue that you have, in terms of arguing about the learner's permit.

 

-turning the car off at the light strains belief for me a bit. by now, mom could call on cell phone and they could have an argument (i can't pick you up right now, etc.) things like that give the world a realistic feel. I don't believe that this could would go by the name Brat, either. that would suck for a kid of 16 trying to be cool.

 

- ah, then you bring up the mom (i'm giving comments as i read). but you tell, not show about her. the phone call i suggested would be more of a show, still somewhat of a tell... a cut to her at the bank would be a show.

 

- is the cigarette pull over believable? this is a masked man with a gun? he got Brat to leave his mom at the bank, but he pulls over for a cigarette? it's not consistent.

 

 

it's kind of standard fare... i'd rather the masked man gave him a G ($1k) as he walks away, then cut to Brat pulling up to pick up his mom like a madman, like a bagman, giving him an arc, from a bothered little kid to a worldly bagman... if Brat was going through some career day stuff at school, picking a college, PSAT's, etc., and then he runs into this guy, it might play differently. but i would push myself to make this edgier, unpredictable. Best, ae

Edited by theturnaround
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Thanks Alex for reading it. Alot of good input there. I definitely have to go back in there and polish some things. It's tough when you want to keep it short, cause you want to tell alot and five screenplay pages goes by so fast.

 

 

Thanks again for reading it,

Rick

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Rick - good stuff. take what comments you like, discard the rest.

 

-Try to be more evocative in an economical kind of way...

 

A diesel Gremlin with a 'My Kid is an Honors Student' bumper sticker pulls up to the bank

 

-Intro the characters with more individuality:

 

A KID with matted blonde hair and a learners permit puts the car into park and turns off the engine. He does it by the book. His PASSENGER, a blonde woman in her forties, a form fitting blouse, freshens her lipstick in the visor mirror.

 

-the dialogue could crackle more...

 

PASSENGER

No loud music while I'm inside, Brat.

 

BRAT

Look, there's an ATM. the pin is our phone number, gimme the card, I can even-

 

PASSENGER

I said no-

 

etc. etc. etc.

 

- withdrawal is one word unless you're trying to capture a patois? which I wouldn't recommend.

 

- drop the wrylies (annoyed). use them sparingly if at all. let the dialogue convey the emotion.

 

- now when the burly man gets in, you have the opportunity for more drama, b/c the driver only has a learner's permit. let's introduce it earlier for drama, rather than later for a laugh.

 

BLACK MASK

Drive!

 

Brat points to learner's permit on dashboard.

 

BLACK MASK

DRIVE!

 

BRAT

It's not legal.

 

Black Mask reaches across and keys the ignition - VROOM -

 

BLACK MASK

Drive or die!

 

Brat adjusts mirrors - a shrill alarm sounds from the bank - belts himself in - starts the car -security guards are gesturing to the car - gestures to other seatbelt and Black Mask pulls it across his body - checks his blind spot...

 

- we're just building tension from the robbery... force yourself to be more descriptive than 'slowly pulls away.' He could possibly his mom in the rearview mirror b/c he's checking his mirrors like they teach you in Driver's Ed?

 

The Robber appears mean and looks around at his surroundings,

still wearing his mask. Brat is driving nervously, weaving

side to side.

 

- this is a great paragraph to dissect... what does 'appears mean' actually mean? show don't tell. looks at his surroundings... very plain writing. Driving nervously? skip the adverbs always, go for interesting verbs, like the one you chose weaving. Wouldn't it be also interesting if he drove perfectly?

BLACK MASK

You're a good bag man.

 

BRAT

Thanks. my mom says I'm a bad driver.

 

BLACK MASK

Your mom is wrong.

 

- what if they were buddies? an uneasy friendship?

 

-dialogue like that is more interesting to me than the standard (expected) dialogue that you have, in terms of arguing about the learner's permit.

 

-turning the car off at the light strains belief for me a bit. by now, mom could call on cell phone and they could have an argument (i can't pick you up right now, etc.) things like that give the world a realistic feel. I don't believe that this could would go by the name Brat, either. that would suck for a kid of 16 trying to be cool.

 

- ah, then you bring up the mom (i'm giving comments as i read). but you tell, not show about her. the phone call i suggested would be more of a show, still somewhat of a tell... a cut to her at the bank would be a show.

 

- is the cigarette pull over believable? this is a masked man with a gun? he got Brat to leave his mom at the bank, but he pulls over for a cigarette? it's not consistent.

it's kind of standard fare... i'd rather the masked man gave him a G ($1k) as he walks away, then cut to Brat pulling up to pick up his mom like a madman, like a bagman, giving him an arc, from a bothered little kid to a worldly bagman... if Brat was going through some career day stuff at school, picking a college, PSAT's, etc., and then he runs into this guy, it might play differently. but i would push myself to make this edgier, unpredictable. Best, ae

 

I still preferred ricks version the bit stopping the engine at the lights was a defining moment..

 

First my suspicion was aroused, "WAS this guy backward" Not really aware and then I realised nope he's Psychotic.. lovely Presentation and revelation that was well done.. In my opinion.. The masked man who was obviously someone who was used to being in control met his match when his bluff was called sometimes quiet confidence and lack of fear can actually be disconcerting even enough to make a predator wary enough to back down.. For me this had a ring of Reality and although unlikely also Possible..

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A note from the Plot Police: If Brat's car is in front of the bank long enough after Black Mask jumps in for bank security to see it, then all hell would break out when he drives back to get Mom. By then one could expect the FBI and local police to be all over the bank. That would make a cute third act, no?

 

Alex, your comments are a very nice mini-seminar in how to add texture to a script. Thank you!

 

Edmond, OK

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Thanks everyone for reading it and for your input.

 

It really is just supposed to be "funny dry humor." As Mark said, this guy who thinks he's in control realizes he's not and this kid is going to do what he wants anyway. In the beginning, he appears to be very submissive to his mother and in turn, makes the Robber slowly have to submit to him. I think it's funny.

 

I wasn't trying to go for any drama or action. It's almost like, this fast paced event of robbing a bank must slow down to this kid's speed.

 

When writing scripts I normally try to give the Director as much latitude as possible so they can add their vision thus leaving alot of things open. As long as they see the story, that's what matters. Then the Director can deliver the project to the audience visually. But I did examine everyone's input and have already started to make changes. You can always learn from everyone's feedback.

 

 

 

You guys are great!

 

 

All the best, and hope you laughed.

Rick

Edited by elvworks
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The problem is you didn't establish the bank robber thought he was IN control in the first place. You have 5 pages to establish the humor in this piece. There is no time for a subtle build. Your charitures need to be stronger. Your general plot is capible of being funny if you had done what you set out to do.

 

For a man who thinks he's in control your bad guy seems barely more than annoyed when Brat ignors his instructions. Brat has no intention. Is he a space cadet, is he obstinate, is he stupid, is he oblivious to the rest of the world? If he doesn't believe the bad guy would shoot him, why does he drive away frm the bank in the first place. What does he want?

 

If the bad guy doesn't actually have a gun, why would he not do everything he can to make Brat believe he has one and not be more frustraited with Brat's behaviour sense intimidation is all he's got, after all he's facing 20 years if he get's caught. If Brat's driving is going to atract the attention of say law enforcement that would be of concern to the robber.

 

Comedy is drama pushed to the limits. Both must be based in reality to work. SAaying that's their personalities isn't enough. They have to react honestly within the context of those personalities. Your charictures did not.

 

If the robber is forced to give in to Brat, WHY is he forced to give into Brat? Why wouldn't he throw the kid out of the car? Why wouldn't put the gun against the Kid's head? Why wouldn't he strangle the kid into submission? Why wouldn't he punch the kid in the mouth or slap him around? If he's not capible of violence why isn't he more desperate when his bluff is called? If he's a man in control who's lost control then why not re-establish control by diciding to get out of the car himself. Even dry subtle humor is charicture driven.

 

As for being submissive to his mother, A charicture that would test his mother and a woman strong enough to put him in his place would have been much funnier. If the robber is in an agitated, hyper state at the beginning ( something else you should work on making stronger, because I got despirate not neesarily fastpaced at the beginning) and is forced to slow to Brat's pace which I assume you were trying to make layed back and ditzy ( I never really got what he was about, was he Paully Shore, Dumd and Dumder, Stewart for Mad TV?), then where was the angest from this unexpected turn of events. Your director can only do so much with a bad script so I would definately suggest a few more rewites before giving it to him. Concentrate on charicture definition and Charicture arc ( the changes that they go though as the piece progresses) I would like to see them when your done, as I'm sure others would so please post your rewite.

Edited by Capt.Video
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Rick all I can tell you is the way I read it.. Perhaps I put my own interpretation?

 

1) I accept without question the bank robber is in control My expectation is he is capable of shooting someone because he has a gun and is pointing it..

2) The Bank robber IS capable of hitting the kid but he loses confidence at the kids strength of purpose. Its kind of like surreal the bank robber does not understand the kids unnaceptance of his Authority and gun this makes the robber wonder WHY is there something he has not thought of? is the kid the son of the local Mafia boss? Is the Kid protected by some kind of Magic? WHAT is wrong with this picture? All these concerns stop the robber from anymore agression.. HE IS Bluffed just like in poker the kid played a hand he may or may not have had a winning card.. The crook will never know.. AND this is played out all the time on film TYPICALY Dirty harry or spaghetti westerns ect..

 

You may say its not dramatic and is funny BUT to me it had the potential to be pretty cOOl..

 

This is how I saw it.. B)

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Mark, THANK YOU for getting it. :D

 

(Although I thank everyone for reading it)

 

I think everyone is taking this as real life. I saw it like almost Napoleon Dynamite style. Not that I was trying to copy it but along those lines. It's just supposed to be "Man, this robber got into the wrong car" kind of thing. He would never have suspected to deal with a kid like this.

 

In real life, it would be scary and people would be timid and do what the Robber commands. But I think people can live vicariously though this kid, who starts to see this Robber not so frightening as first thought.

 

The way I came up with this idea was I was actually idling in front of a bank waiting for my Mom to get out of the supermarket which was adjacent. And I was looking at the bank and thought, "What if a robber came screaming out of the bank, gets in my car and orders me to drive. That would be crazy and possible." Now that is drama, and action and if it was told in that sense, I don't see how it could end in five pages. But if it's comedy, you can do some stuff that isn't normal and get away with it. No pun intended.

 

All the best to everyone,

Rick

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Mark, THANK YOU for getting it. :D

 

(Although I thank everyone for reading it)

 

I think everyone is taking this as real life. I saw it like almost Napoleon Dynamite style. Not that I was trying to copy it but along those lines. It's just supposed to be "Man, this robber got into the wrong car" kind of thing. He would never have suspected to deal with a kid like this.

 

In real life, it would be scary and people would be timid and do what the Robber commands. But I think people can live vicariously though this kid, who starts to see this Robber not so frightening as first thought.

 

The way I came up with this idea was I was actually idling in front of a bank waiting for my Mom to get out of the supermarket which was adjacent. And I was looking at the bank and thought, "What if a robber came screaming out of the bank, gets in my car and orders me to drive. That would be crazy and possible." Now that is drama, and action and if it was told in that sense, I don't see how it could end in five pages. But if it's comedy, you can do some stuff that isn't normal and get away with it. No pun intended.

 

All the best to everyone,

Rick

 

Actually rick I think this could make a good opening to a film where the kid goes through his daily life taking for granted what would scare anyone normal.. like the blues brothers but through the eyes of a kid.. It could cross into all the film plots and show the kids alternative answer? Perhap the karate kid where the gang attack his mum and he finds it funny then realise he wont get his dinner so takes them on by offering them a drug deal that he makes up and they all walk away respecting him and apologising to his mum? Perhaps he has a talent that no one else can do like he is really good at computer games..

 

Just an idea?

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Napoleon Dynamite was based in reality, but a reality that is twisted slghtly asew by Napoleon's well defined personality. The charicture was based on an actual person the the guys who did it knew and it shows. What you discribed in your explaination is not what's in your script. This is not an attack, it's an observation. I got what you were trying to do, it's just not on the page.

 

This kid doesn't seem to have his own mind, he seems to be oblivious to the world around him, which in and of it's self could have worked if you had given the robber honest reactions to that situation. It is a fallacy to think that simply because you call something a "comedy" you can dispence with reality. Unfortunately this is not just you, there's a lot of this out there being produced. Audiences come away from these films saying things like that was stupid or God what a terrible movie.

 

Everyone knows someone like Napoleon Dynamite, hell they may even see a little of Napoleon in themselves and that's why the piece works. Even in a slapstick piece like" The Blues Brothers" there is an honestly to their intentions and a truthfulness in their personalities. They know exactly what they want (to put the band back together, make some money and save the school) and they will do what ever it takes to accomplish those goals (Because their on a mission from God) which is why we laugh at them rather than dismiiss there antics as absurd.

 

Find the truth in you charictures and make their reactions honest all be it pushed to the limit, don't make the situation overly contrived or illogical as a way to get to the payoff and your script will work.

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Well, I'm definitely listening to what you're saying. That's why I posted the script here, for feedback. Sometimes it's hard to accept criticism but if you learn to see what you can apply, you can be better, so I'm definely listening to you and the others on this thread. I will definitely keep polishing it.

 

 

 

 

All the best and thank you for your time, :D

Rick

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I don't know if this will help you, but there is a technique in acting to find the truth of a charicter that maybe you can apply in your writing. All drama (and this includes comedy) is corflict.

 

As actors, we try to find the inner conflict within our charictures and often times within the charictures around us. The 2 points of this inner conflict are called the charicture's "objective" (what the charicture wants), and their "Obstacle" (what's stopping the charicture from getting it). This inner conflict can be broken all the way down into "beats" (the moment to moment thought processes the charicture goes though as the piece progresses). This is all method stuff. It's essentually what "What's my motivation" means.

 

In the case of the blues brothers for example their major objective is to save the orphanage, their obstacle is the can't quit because their on a mission from God. These objectives and obstacles should apply individually to every single charicture in your piece. They should be put into simple, plainly stated, short, strong sentences you can easily remember. If you can do that with your charictures and eliminate every moment that does not move the plot forward in some way, your script will be tight, strong little comic gem. I hope this helps

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Hi Capn

 

I read your post.. and yes I agree with what your saying Im not sure how it applies here though? But I accept its MY Personal view of the story and you are seeing things differently But this was how I read it

---------------------------------------------------

QUOTE

I don't know if this will help you, but there is a technique in acting to find the truth of a charicter that maybe you can apply in your writing. All drama (and this includes comedy) is corflict.

----------------------------------------------------

The conflict here was evident the brat was being forced to help the crook escape?

----------------------------------------------------

QUOTE

As actors, we try to find the inner conflict within our charictures and often times within the charictures around us. The 2 points of this inner conflict are called the charicture's "objective" (what the charicture wants),

------------------------------------------------------

The thief wants to escape(Objective)so he can enjoy his ill gotten gains

----------------------------------------------------

QUOTE

 

and their "Obstacle"

--------------------------------------------

The Brat is the obstacle

--------------------------------------------

QUOTE

 

(what's stopping the charicture from getting it). This inner conflict can be broken all the way down into "beats" (the moment to moment thought processes the charicture goes though as the piece progresses). This is all method stuff. It's essentually what "What's my motivation" means.

 

------------------------------------------------

Which for me was one of the strong points here as the brat went from being compliant to overcoming while the thief went from his reality and was overcome by the brats this transferrance happened when he wouldnt start the car

--------------------------------------------------

QUOTE

 

In the case of the blues brothers for example their major objective is to save the orphanage, their obstacle is the can't quit because their on a mission from God. These objectives and obstacles should apply individually to every single charicture in your piece.

----------------------------------------------------

There is a huge difference between a film and a short story but that aside the brats obstacle was the thiefs desire to escape who was also the antagonist

------------------------------------------------------

QUOTE

 

They should be put into simple, plainly stated, short, strong sentences you can easily remember. If you can do that with your charictures and eliminate every moment that does not move the plot forward in some way, your script will be tight, strong little comic gem.

-----------------------------------------------------

Which is exactly what it did??

---------------------------------------------------------

 

I also felt the protaganist was well developed with much character developement courtesy of his mum.. At least for something this short.. I think this was done quite well and quickly into the plot.. The protagonist was a mixture of being a problem solver who could become a complete no holds barred aggressor although that part is hinted at, it makes the protagonist interesting.. The story is really questioning the waythings are.. And catches out our perceptions. ? the piece was made better by this fresh approach and is typical of short stories.. Although in this case the character developement was very good..

 

I bet I could do something with this and is something I will think about.. If thats OK rick?

 

Sorry capn I do agree with what you say and I know your trying to help BUT I want to tell rick how I see it because I think its important if nothing else for the sake of balance..

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And I respect your opinion although I cannot possibly see how you came to these conclusions. The set up is obvious, the conflict is not. there is little to no coflict after the first page. I found the characture of Brat inconsistant and the characture of the robber wishy washy. Let me put it this way I would hate to have to try to play either of these charactures. If you do feel these charactures are complete and well written why do you feel the need to rewite the script, if that's what you mean by "doing something with it" or do you mean you intend to produce it, in which case, with out a rewrite or 2 , all I can say to you is good luck and that's not meant to be a put down. It just means your going to have a lot of trouble making this thing work and here's why I think so.

 

I saw no logical progression in the dynamic between these charictures. I never got the impression Brat was being forced to do anything. The transfer of power from the robber to brat made no sense. The robber never once tried to assure his power in a forceful way except when he made Brat drive off and even that was luke warm at best. It was simply not enough to establish dominence. There was no reason for the robber to surrender power to Brat when he never had power to begin with and Brat's personality was not strong enough to make his wrenching domiance from the robber belivable even if the robber had had power to surrender. I don't see how you feel his mother helped develop this power wrenching trait at all, if anything she showed Brat to be week and indecisive.

 

When you say a short and a film aren't the same thing you seem to imply that charactures need not be as developed as they would need to be for a feature film. I would say that is exactly the opposite. Charactures for shorts have to be More developed because an actor has less time to fill in the gaps with their own personality and the audience doesn't have the time to watch the characture's personality unfold. The Charactures must be solid and strong right from the beginning in order to involve the audience.

 

You say the Robber's objective is to escape and his obstacle is Brat, but that's not what the dialogue says. The dialogue says "my objective is to listen to what this kid tells me and my obstacle is this kid is a little annoying." As far as I can tell Brat's objective is I want to talk about me and my obstacle is I don't really need him here to do that, but even that's not really right because the characture is inconsistant. How you can say, without support from the script that Brat is a problem solver, is unbelivable to me. Nowere in this script does he solve problems. If anything, he's oblivious to them. A guy sticks a gun in his ribs and he talks gleefully about driver's ed. That's not a teen who sovles problems, that's a teen who is completely unaware he has a problem, WHICH could have worked comedically if the robber had reacted to this behavour HONESTLY, but he didn't. It barely even annoys him. He doesnt seem to care at all that he might be caught either. He doesn't seem to care that much about anything.

 

When you say Brat's obstacle is the robber, it's too vague. WHAT about the robber makes him an obstacle, but that' not even the right question to ask. An obstacle should always refer to the characture and work from the objective I.E. My objective is I want this man out of my car, my obstacle is I'm afraid he'll kill me if I try to make him leave. Both of those refer to the characture not the other people he deals with except in how they will affect him and the obj. and obst. relate to each other.

 

I understand you like his work but honestly am kind of amazed you found it funny, but to each his own. I understand you want a balance in this thread but your assurtions must be defendable from the script. I honestly don't see that you've done that in here.

Edited by Capt.Video
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What is the point of dissecting our comments? Elvworks can take what he needs and discard the points he doesn't need... that is a good format, otherwise things get mired in the muck...

 

I never intended my notes as a "version," as Mark called it, but as possibilities, as thought provoking comments/questions to push him along further, not a version of his material. When we engage in some competition as to who wrote a better version, or why something is valid/invalid, we are choking off the creative process. There's no need to defend his writing.

 

I think Cap'n has pushed this into a discussion on goals, which is great, b/c i think the piece lacks interior/exterior goals (conscious/subconscious) goals, meaning you could find them now, but i don't think you sat down and wrote them out before writing the piece ? Even if these never get explained in dialogue (which is good, show don't tell) they will add reality to the piece.

 

example:

interior goal - wants to break free from boring life

exterior goal - get away from robber

 

this is for illustrative purposes... but the exterior goal is in opposition to the interior goal, creating conflict, drama. He wants to get away from the robber, that is obvious, conscious, etc., but deep down inside, in his mind, he loves this feeling on the run, it's exhiliarating, away from his mom, the rules of life, etc.

 

if you imbue your writing and characters with these types of goals, it will strengthen the work. also, you want to create escalating conflict, and b/c you have created this great problem, you don't want to just solve it easily, it's not satisfying to the audience. it must be solved creatively and intelligently.

Edited by theturnaround
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(Mark, what did you have in mind?)

 

Wow, this is serious. I didn't expect all this when I woke up this morning.

 

I have to say I do understand everyone's point of view, even the Captain's. I sent this to two writer friends and the general consesus is either you see it clearly or you have some serious problems with it.

 

I believe it all comes down to vision or maybe aligning your vision to someone else's. I do not mean this as a flaw, please let me explain.

 

The other day I stumbled upon the script to the "Pirates of the Carribean." A movie I love, a movie I saw five times in the theatre and hundreds of times on DVD. I even have the soundtrack. I know every word, scene angle, cut, everything. If I was stuck on an island with a big screen tv and dvd player and allowed one DVD, I might pick this one. It's one of the top three. I love everything about the movie, the story, the visuals, the pacing, the characters. Keira Knightly is hot, Johnny Depp is very entertaining, Orlando Bloom does pretty good, and the rest of the characters.

 

So anyway, when I happily stumbled onto this script and started reading it, I was shocked when the words were dead on the screen. They had no life what's so ever. They didn't scream out at me. I may as well been reading one of the millions of movie scripts littered on the internet. I was shocked, how could this be the move I cherish? It came down to, I didn't see it. It happens to everyone. We're all different. I didn't have the vision that the movie turned out to be, not even close. It was almost scary.

 

I'm sure you can argue I may have been comparing what I read to the movie. Naw, I felt no connection between what I was reading and the movie. I realized the producers and directors and everyone else for that matter added their vision to the story, whether in art or acting.

 

So, now we're back here to "The Get Away" haha, what a funny name. I believe and think this story is good, and if done, the producer/director would add his vision to the mix, as well as the characters. Could it be tweaked? Ofcourse, but I believe the root story, the premise, is strong. I can easily picture it in my mind as I read it. But that's just me and a few others.

 

Thanks all for your time. I do welcome your posts. :D

 

Rick

Edited by elvworks
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Rick how about at the end when the thief has left the car and brat is stressing about not being paid for the gas He looks down and says well I could always take it outa there.. Camera pans down to the robbers loot that hes forgotton and notices the mask on the seat next minute a siren sounds with a quick blast to let the kid know to pullover.. Kid looks at the money looks at the mask looks at the police officer aproaching and says something along the lines of Its not my day today cut to the robber resting and puffing kid running from afar HEY wait up You forgot something the robber tries to run but knows he cant out run the brat he sees the officer and a look of panic comes across his face then he sees the panic on the brats face and he smiles.. END..

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I like the screenplay, but woul like to make a suggestion... How about the two of them are driving the car with one of them instructing the other learner driver.. THEN, the mom is the leaner driver and the SON goes off to get some money, whatever. In the meantime the BANKROBBER gets in and forces her to drive off. I think it makes ofr a much stronger premise. Think mom with naughty schoolkid (bankrobber)?

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