Screenplay advice

[Ryan Linnegar]

hi,

I'm completely new to this forum (and site), but I've had a bit of experience on mini DV and 16mm shoots at University (UTS, Sydney, AU).

I wrote an opening sequence, key emotional scene, and treatment for a feature screenplay called 'Bursting' as part of my classes a few years ago but have only just come back to it. I've attached the key scene and opening sequence. The story synopsis is in the 'key scene' document.

Just wanted to get some comments on how this script compares to 'pro' drafts, and any advice on turning it into something more 'shootable'?

I'm thinking about maybe working on it until it's a full length feature script, time permitting.

 

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated (esp. regarding how I might make the writing more easily interpretable into visual language, too much/not enough stage direction etc...)

 

cheers

Ryan

 

 

(p.s I have no intention of making this film myself....yet!)

 

openingsequence.rtf

 

keyscene.rtf

Edited October 14, 2007 by Ryan Linnegar

[Alex Ellerman]

your drafts are all garbled for me - but I'll give you some general advice. download and read scripts. there are tons of them on the Internet. iscriptdb, drew's script-o-rama, simplyscripts, etc. etc. read scripts in your genre, produced scripts, spec scripts, shooting scripts. you'll get your answer.

best~ ae

[Ryan Linnegar]

hi,

I'm completely new to this forum (and site), but I've had a bit of experience on mini DV and 16mm shoots at University (UTS, Sydney, AU).

I wrote an opening sequence, key emotional scene, and treatment for a feature screenplay called 'Bursting' as part of my classes a few years ago but have only just come back to it. I've attached the key scene and opening sequence. The story synopsis is in the 'key scene' document.

Just wanted to get some comments on how this script compares to 'pro' drafts, and any advice on turning it into something more 'shootable'?

I'm thinking about maybe working on it until it's a full length feature script, time permitting.

 

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated (esp. regarding how I might make the writing more easily interpretable into visual language, too much/not enough stage direction etc...)

 

cheers

Ryan

 

 

(p.s I have no intention of making this film myself....yet!)

 

openingsequence.rtf

 

keyscene.rtf

 

This might work better.

 

keyscene.doc

 

openingsequence.doc

[Alex Ellerman]

Ryan - read your work... overall, if you're planning on shooting it, you can write it any way you want. If you want to turn it into a Shooting draft for someone else, then you might consider making some changes.

 

You need to show and not tell.

 

'Sam turns around to face the dam, (as if to challenge it.)' What does that look like, exactly? If I told you to make that look on your face, and with your body, what would you do? It's a tell.

 

'Laura nods politely, but looks at him quizzi-cally.' What does a polite nod look like, compared to an impolite nod? if I showed you three photos of my face, could you tell 100% which look is quizical? no. it's a tell. pro scripts tend to cut adverbs (politely) and go lightly on the adj. and use interesting verbs rather than helping verbs, eg. darts rather than is running or runs fast.

 

It's overwritten in the sense that you have blocked out too many gestures, "shakes his head, is silent, looks up at him, hangs his head, runs a hand through his hair." I picked all those out in 3/4 of a page. it's too much, breaks up any flow you might have.

 

Pro scripts tend to use wrylies (angrily) sparingly. They tend not to worry about credits. they capitalize INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY and EXT. DAM

 

I can't say i read your script with great interest. it has some nice descriptions, and captures dialogue all right. but it's not moving. I wasn't sure who / what story i was reading. there's a lot of small talk. get into the scene as late as possible, get out as early as possible.

 

Who is the protag? why are you telling me this story? hint: it should probably be the most important thing / day in his life up to this point. if it's not, then there's some other script i should be reading.

best,

ae