A short film I made- please critique

[Zamir Merali]

Just a while ago I posted a link to my first short movie

 

http://www.cinematography.com/forum2004/in...showtopic=15933

 

and got some really great feedback. Thanks everyone who commented on it. I've made another short movie and I'm hoping that this one is an improvement over my last one. In the last one the main points I got were don't use too many uncessessary shots, and that my story was too slow paced. i worked on both of these things in this movie as well as payed more attention to shot composition. If you commented on the last movie I'd really appreciate it if you could take a look at this one and see if there is any improvement happening. Youtube is squishing the video into 4:3 instead of the 16:9 I meant it to be so it looks a little goofy but as long as you know that you can still see how it is supposed to look. Thanks in advance for comenting.

 

Here is the link to the movie:

[Bill DiPietra]

Definitely improved shot composition and pacing. I like how you used the framing and camera movement to heighten the suspense.

 

Nice mood lighting too.

[Emmanuel Lariviere]

Great job. Bravo. I'm judging this only for direction, because that's what you want to do. I'm not concerned if it's shot on a consumer camera or harp about seeing the camera reflection at the films start. I know to look past the family member acting troupe and not complain about the acting. I know that you're teaching yourself visual storytelling and you're showing a lot of promise. You seem to have a natural feel for the camera. The scene with the gun was effective. I know when you get your big chance, that the studio will give you a seasoned cast and crew to smooth out your rough edges. Do not stop learning. Keep this up and you will go far.

[Zamir Merali]

Thanks guys for the positive feedback. I was really preparing myself for some more harsh critisism so knowing that I have improved is good. I'm woring on another short movie and it should be done in a little bit. My strategy is to make as many as possible because il get better each time.

[Mark Allen]

Just going to keep it simple in my notes.

 

Something you might want to do with your actors (even those who are first time or non-actors) is to make sure they are living the moment as much as possible. This is true in both the subtle moments as well as the more dramatic moments.

 

I'll pick two moments. First something subtle. The mother leaving the house. When she leaves, it is very clear that she has been told to exit the house and she is doing as told. But actors should feel comfortable enough to know that they can look back and give a final wave to her daughter, if not say a final word.

 

Another moment - the girl says "What do you want from me?" After being found by the intruder. I am not sure this is true. Wouldn't she first try to escape? OR she would be frozen by fear... But there would be some exreme reaction and it most likely wouldn't be a mental sided question.

 

 

 

One other point. You could really spend a LOT more time building the suspense moments. Like when she is walking into the room, there is so much room there for knowing that she is walking into danger.

 

good luck.

[Zamir Merali]

Thanks

Edited August 29, 2006 by Zamir Merali

[Chad Stockfleth]

This showed a lot of promise.

 

The guy playing the intruder didn't really do it for me. When she asks why he's doing this, he says, "revenge" but we're never really told for what.

 

Also, the ending was all rather tied up nicely with a bow but that doesn't really make me think about it afterwards, kind of a hallmark ending. Now, if the brother HAD shot his sister while trying to save her, then we are forced to confront some uncomfortable issues and IMO would have made a lasting impression.

 

Good all-around effort, but try to think about an underlying message for the piece. What are we supposed to take away from this?

 

Also, mind your lens flares! ;-)

 

Cheers!