Help needed

[Mark Williams]

I have two versions of dialogue for the same scene which one do you think sounds better? Version one or two.. I need to know because this will help influence how I write!

 

http://www.mydeo.com/videodownload.asp?YID...&CID=221784

 

The story so far

Gorman head of MI6 has found the girl for Father Julian Casti and his sect. Gorman is increasingly suspicious of the Priest who in the end turns out to be a traiter and worse is a demon.

 

TIA :)

 

 

 

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FIRST VERSION

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FATHER JULIAN CASTI

I congratulate you and your men, Gorman.

 

Gorman glowers at Casti, his distaste for the Priest evident.

 

GORMAN

We were doing our job Father Casti. That does not

mean I’m happy about it.

 

FATHER JULIAN CASTI

You have returned the girl to us, now we simply

wish to get on with our lives.

 

GORMAN

That’s what concerns me.

 

Casti returns Gorman’s piercing stare with one of an innocent humble priest, but there is something menacing in the depths of his eyes.

 

GORMAN

That girl’s life, her welfare became my units responsibility.

That will not end because I am forced to return her to you.

Am I making myself clear, Father Casti?

 

Father Casti nods respectfully and rises from his chair. Gorman is clearly frustrated but shows him to the door without further comment.

 

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SECOND VERSION

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GORMAN

The situation has been resolved.

 

FATHER JULIAN CASTI

You’ve got Shiri. Thank you. Thank you Gorman.

We can again do our work.

 

GORMAN

Well. Whatever. My opinion? I think this whole

thing stinks. A cover up by your ancient sect

for medieval gobbledegook.

 

FATHER JULIAN CASTI

We just want the girl and to get on with our lives.

 

GORMAN

Why you want her? That gives me goose bumps.

I’ll be watching Don’t let me hear of any

problems or I’ll come and get her. Understood.

 

FATHER JULIAN CASTI

There won’t be any.

 

GORMAN

Yeah well. All things considered. I’m still not happy.

(Pause.)

She’s outside.

Edited September 24, 2008 by Mark Williams