Oh I am all for having an "arty" sensibility, and I am in it for all the right reasons. However, I "feel" like an artist, but I think like a tradesman. I guess my maturity is preventing me from fully immersing myself psychologicaly in this. At my age it's really hard to say "screw everything, I'm gonna do this because I can't live without it no matter what". I'm not an idealist 20-25 year old who can say that and really mean it. Because, let's face it, we can adjust to anything (even if it means adjusting to blowing this off) . If anything, my advancing age taught me that there are no certainities in this life. It's a hard transition, not only due to my age, but also because becoming a working DP is no small feat. Oftentimes, at least on major productions, experienced DP is the most crucial and most knowledgable person on the set.
Being a film director is easy. Any bozo with an arsty sensibility and some knowledge of visual grammar can do it, and often do it nicely. There are stories about first-time directors who had no clue of anything. Most of them were so technically weak, that they had no clue about any of the lenses. They literally did not know the obvious difference between say 28mm and 50mm. And yet, they went on for a successful, glorifying careers, most often than not on the backs of their crew, and especially under-appreciated DPs.
So yes, being a DP is hard. Everyone expects miracles from you. Everone except you to know everything. While a director doesn't need to know anything technically, DP is supposed to know everything. If that's not pressure, couple of dozen producion eyes staring at you, waiting for an immediate answer, I don't know what is :) And on top of that, in the unlikely case of a major success, still no red carpets for you my hardworking anonymous sherpa, because film is a "director's medium".
But I still love it.
If you are visually oriented, and I'd like to think of myself that way, "painting" a "pretty", or at least a "storywise functional" picture is one of the most gratifying professional rewards one can have. I'd rather take a "perfect shadows" and/or an illuminating glow which only a few "techies" notice it, than any red carpets of du jour.
And my age can sometime work as an advantage. Not only am I more mature, more clear-headed, and more experienced socially and people-wise, I am also often able to take shortcuts because of that. I'm not a 22 year old assistant who has to toil for 10-15 years before getting a chance in the traditional Hollywood industry route, when I can get my own gear, print a few business cards, and hit the low budget music videos/film student shorts/indy features route right away (that and a lifetime of continuous learning) - can I not?
P.S.
I've been married for almost 10 years. I have a relatively supportive wife who has a low six figure salary, and I also have a 2-year-old kid. So the things are not that tight, and for the first time in my life I'm maybe a chance to pursue something I really like, as opposed to struggle for existence and my place in this society, which is what most of my immigrant years were thus-far. Yet, I'd hate to be irresponsible, even though I kind of think of this as my "mid-life crisis". Well, some guys go out and buy a Porsche, some guys run off with another woman,
and yet
I'm
falling in love with a lightmeter.
Silly me :lol: