DP Jokes

[James Steven Beverly]

I heard a DP joke I thought I would share forgive me if ya already heard it: Why don't DP's light a girl's ciggerette when he's trying to pick her up? Cause it takes him 3 hours to light it. :D Anyone else you any filmaker jokes, Doesn't nessesarily have to be about DP's, but it would be funnier if it were.

Edited May 13, 2006 by Capt.Video

[Josh Bass]

This is ancient, and has been posted elsewhere on here:

 

What's the difference between God and a DP?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God doesn't think he's a DP.

 

 

Har har har. I'm a genius.

[Matt Butler]

Here is another old chestnut.

 

What's the difference between a flare and a highlight?

 

About A$3000 a day!

[Annie Wengenroth]

I always liked the joke Doug Hart used at the beginning of his book... How many camera assistants does it take to change a light bulb? ...Never mind, it's already done. I also heard a good one involving teamsters and donuts but unfortunately I can't remember it exactly...!

[Michael Nash]

I also heard a good one involving teamsters and donuts but unfortunately I can't remember it exactly...!

 

I know that one and many others, but since this is an open forum I'll try to refrain from offending as many people as possible. ;-)

 

How tall is a sound mixer?

I don't know, I've never seen one stand up.

 

How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Does it have to be a light bulb?

 

How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Do we have to change it?

 

How many lead actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to hold the lightbulb, and the world revolves around him.

 

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a globe.

 

How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder, the other to hammer it in.

 

Why do we have the grips push dolly?

To teach them how to walk upright.

 

Did you hear about the grip who was so dumb, that OTHER grips noticed?

 

Why were there no PA's killed in the Northridge earthquake?

The were all standing in the doorways.

[Michael Most]

I also heard a good one involving teamsters and donuts but unfortunately I can't remember it exactly...!

 

The two best teamster jokes I've heard were both told to me, ironically enough, by Teamsters - who I have to say are usually some of the greatest guys you'll ever meet, and generally have a great sense of humor. At least L.A. teamsters. So, having said that...

 

Q: How can you tell when a Teamster has died?

A: The jelly donut falls out of his hand.

 

Q: How can you tell a Teamster child?

A: He's the one standing in the corner watching all the other kids play.

[Luke Prendergast]

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

One.

[Matt Irwin CSC]

Q: How many Assistant Directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: "It's fine ... just shoot it!"

 

Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Hmmmm... I'm not sure... What do YOU think?

[Brad Grimmett]

Well, since most of the good ones have already been posted, I'll give you one I heard long ago.

 

How many teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

27.....You gotta fu&%$*' problem with that?!

[Justin Hayward]

How many PA's does it take to change a light bulb?

 

One to change it and seven to wonder why they weren't called.

Edited May 14, 2006 by Justin Hayward

[Tim Tyler]

What's the difference between a grip and a key grip?

 

The key grip moves the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.

[Phil Rhodes]

I just realised that the four people I most closely associated with the camera assistant position are named Annie, Anna, Anne and Anneka.

 

It would not be unreasonable to suspect some sort twisted, Buckaroo-Banzai-style alien plot.

 

Phil

[Michael Nash]

It would not be unreasonable to suspect some sort twisted, Buckaroo-Banzai-style alien plot.

 

Phil

 

That's pronounced big booTAY...

[Paul Maibaum ASC]

How many Directors of Photography does it take to change a light bulb?

.......One, no I think two, three would be better, can we get four?

OR

.......How many do we have in the truck?

 

How many assistant camera persons does it take to change a light bulb?

.......Four, one to change the light bulb and three to tell you how they did it on their last show.

Paul Maibaum

DP/LA

[Daniel Madsen]

When an old cinematographer was asked "how many years have you been a DP?" he replied "I've been a DP for thirty years but twenty of those years were spent waiting on sound."

[Bob Hayes]

Why don?t DP?s smoke pot?

It takes them to long to light it.

 

How many assistant cameramen does it take to change a light bulb?

If I were the DP I?d use a soft light.

[Dan Goulder]

How many Directors of Photography does it take to change a light bulb?

None. We'll just fix it in post.

[Chris Pritzlaff]

How many DP's does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one, but he will change it 5 times before he is happy with it

[Adam White]

why is there a pause between lighting and thunder?

 

Because even god has to wait for sound.

[Chris Pritzlaff]

How many script supervisors does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they won't let anyone touch it cause it might ruin continunity

[andrewbuchanan]

Q: How can you tell a Teamster child?

A: He's the one standing in the corner watching all the other kids play.

 

 

Shouldn't he be SITTING in the corner? On under the catering tent?

[Michael Nash]

Shouldn't he be SITTING in the corner? On under the catering tent?

 

As I heard it:

 

How can you tell the Teamster children on the playground?

They're the ones sitting on folding chairs, watching the other kids play.

 

Okay, so here's the other Teamster ones:

 

How can you tell when a Teamster is dead?

The doughnut falls out of his hand.

 

What did Jesus tell the Teamsters?

"Don't do anything 'til I get back."

[Rob Featherstone]

Producer: "Can you shoot available light?"

 

DP: "I can shoot avaialble light.... I'll use whatever lights are available on the truck!"

 

 

Rob Featherstone

DP/ NYC

[John Hall]

I'm sure some of you have heard this one from a Grip before;

 

"A light without a scrim is like an Electric without a job"

 

wokka wokka wokka

[Michael Nash]

What do you call a light with three doubles in it?

The wrong light.