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Michael Bay's Rejected "The Dark Knight" Script


Tenolian Bell

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Michael Bay's Rejected "The Dark Knight" Script

 

INT. PENTAGON - GENERAL'S OFFICE

 

WOMAN (O.S.)

Sir, I have an idea.

 

We pan to a beautiful woman: platinum blonde with a huge rack. She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world.

 

WOMAN

My name is RACHEL DAWES. I'm an assistant D.A. from Gotham City here on a military exchange program. I think I know someone who can help us defeat the JOKER.

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She also has an impossibly deep tan for someone who supposedly is a computer genius. And she has a light sweat over her skin even though it's winter. And it's sunset in the office even though it's in the middle of the day. And in the scene there's some unfunny schtick from a black comedian cast as a cop who keeps staring at her rack.

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Guest Glen Alexander

Suddenly, the helicopter bursts into flames as it crashes into a gasoline tanker while the Joker emerges from the fireball on a modified Harley Davidson, rock music blares with Quiet Riot's Metal Health.

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Guest Glen Alexander
It's outfitted with all the finest compressors, equalizers, and preamps ever made...

 

Made of silicon?

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EXT. GOTHAM CITY (Golden Hour)

 

Batman drives out of his garage in slow motion. He fights the joker for about 40 minutes. Gotham City is leveled but the joker escapes.

 

Bat Man

Damn, he isn't funny.... but he sure is fast.

 

* commence act two

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Guest Tim Partridge

Cue a really cliched, unlistenable, noisey wallpaper score by Hans Zimmer. Lots of annoying two note motifs with an orchestra reduced to sounding like a cheap keyboard.

 

Oh wait, that actually made it into Nolan's movie. :(

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Bruce sees the Joker threaten to hold the world hostage on the television. broadcast from a remote hidden location. To show that Bruce has just come to realize the gravity of the situation, the camera does a 360 spin around his head.

 

Bruce: He might be the Joker, but this is one serious son of a b***h

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Bruce: He might be the Joker, but this is one serious son of a b***h

 

Bruce spits on the ground to show that he is the man. The spit splashes on the ground in slowmotion

 

(*note to self- make it really really slow motion)

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Several previously-unregarded plot points are tied up in an impossibly neat and comprehensive Deus ex Machina involving inadequately-researched technobabble about the US department of defence's most overbudget and politically-sensitive program.

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Several previously-unregarded plot points are tied up in an impossibly neat and comprehensive Deus ex Machina involving inadequately-researched technobabble about the US department of defence's most overbudget and politically-sensitive program.

 

It'll be the hit of the summer.

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