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16mm Short Film


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  • 4 weeks later...
Want to know if the theme comes across in this piece. Do the shots work well together and do they portray the story sufficiently. Also how do you feel about the pacing of the film. I appreciate all feedback. Thanks!!!







I just watched it and I have no idea what your film is about! To be frank I can't see that there is a story...Where's the 'conflict'?




...There's a intro excerpt on the notion of 'premise' in the above book.

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Hey Jimmie,


It's not totally obvious that that's what he was doing but I think the film has a great sense of fun! You had me smiling anyway!


Maybe an insert of the guy who has taken forever finally moving his piece would give us more of an idea -


Looks great btw... what stock were you using?



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Hey Jimmie,


In terms of the story... my take on it was that he seemed to be getting ready for his day, and I was waiting to see what would happen once it started. I think you need to emphasise the fact that he's waiting somehow... maybe it's just me, but if I'd been asleep in the middle of a game, I'd probably go and check what was happening as soon as I woke up! I do like the concept though.


You have some gorgeous shots in there. I love the sunrise / wake up shot especially, and the one of him on the corner of the building with the paper plane. There are some good colours in there. One thing that I probably would have changed if I was shooting it would be to change the shot where he walks into the centre of the frame and then does the skipping, star jumps etc. To me, that makes it look as though you were waiting for him to enter, rather than observing his actions, so it took me out of the story a little. That could have been the style you intended though.





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